Lifeboat

You're only as old as you feel, they say,
So tonight I feel 99.
My eyes are so heavy that I dare not speak
for fear that yours will peak.

You wrap me in your arms so limitless
like you know I'll never leave
I grasp at the breath leaving my cheeks
like I know I'll never breathe

Come again towards my ears as you speak so sweet
let me hear your strawberry words
call my name in the night like the ocean, so deep.
hold me high but tight like a bird

Reach for my hands as they grasp for the void
completely inept at all hope
you're rushing towards my heart at full speed
your touch is my lifeboat

My week with Amanda

This  week Amanda is down from Dixie county to spend the week with Eugene and I. It has been awesome so far.  It's nice having an extra person in the house and Eugene seems to enjoy the extra company as well.  To top things off my AMAZING boss Amy gave me the week off.  She asked if I wanted it off and then just gave it to me...WHAT??!? I couldn't believe it. I feel truly blessed!  I was planning on flying to Montana and driving down with Sarah but due to unforeseen circumstances The trip has been canceled.  However, mom is flying up next month (July) to see Sarah and the girls!

Tomorrow Eugene is taking Amanda out bike riding. more power to them. I'm just going to sleep in :)

Goodnight!!

So this is Wife

Okay, everything I said about having a baby, I take back. The last couple of weeks have been a huge wake up call.  I feel like I've been tested in every way, shape, and form.  There is no way that I can have a child, be in school, work a fulltime job, AND be a good wife. NO. FRIGGIN. WAY.
   I'm glad that I'm finally continuing my education, I'm stoked to have a job that I love, and I know that there is no one in this world that I would rather be in love with (which is scary because sometimes I think I could smother him with the damn pillow he sleeps with).  I'm happy I really am, but holy crap I am exhausted.  I feel like I never stop moving!!! The fact that I have 15 minutes to blog is crazy to me and in reality I have a butt ton of other things I could be doing (folding laundry, cleaning the kitchen, studying for my bio midterm, fixing the nail polish on my toenails, finalizing our monthly budget for this year, rearranging the bedroom like I've wanted to for 8 months, cleaning the bathroom, studying for my math exam tomorrow, I mean really...).  One area that I would particularly like to focus on is my marriage.  I sincerely try to be a good wife.  I don't notice other men's looks, I try my hardest to keep a clean house, I definitely give this man enough sex, I constantly boost his ego with compliments, all while working 32 hours per week and taking a full course load at school two counties away.  I'm sincerely trying.  Failure is not an option therefore divorce is not an option (not that I've reached that point, by any means).  It's just that; these days with everything else I have going on I feel like no matter what I do, it's not enough to make both of us happy.  I know he's trying too, but sometimes it feels like he doesn't see how hard I'm working at this.  We're arguing a lot and that gets you no where, it just makes me even more exhausted and that makes me even more irritable .  How can you be so in love and so ready to run away all at the same time?  As much as I hate to admit it this is a question I've asked myself a hundred times this week already.  I babysat for my associate pastor and his wife yesterday.  They have 2 young children and a baby.  I think I did pretty well but I didn't get any homework done because I was so afraid that something would happen with one of the kids and I wouldn't have been paying attention. That being said, I looked away for 15 seconds and their daughter(4 years old) apparently fell off of something in the back yard and scraped the underside of her arm and her little pink cast(from breaking her finger a couple of days ago) fell off.  I could have died! all I could think was, "how am I going to explain this?!? they're going to think I was ignoring her or neglecting her!" .  They were pretty awesome about the whole thing though and understood that stuff happens.  I guess that comes with being a parent, I don't know. What I do know is, I'm not ready to be a parent.  I love kids but I have enough responsibility right now. I know I'll thank myself when I'm done with school, so until then I'm perfectly happy raising my 28 year old and taking care of just the 2 of us.  Being a wife is much more of a responsibility than I thought it was before I met Eugene,  it REQUIRES work.  Some of the arguments he and I have been in would have ended a relationship if we had just been dating whereas with marriage (and divorce not being an option, as for mentioned) there is no breaking up over what really is something petty that just blew up.  I think that's one of the major points of getting married, finding the person that no matter how bad, in the moment, you want to break up...you know that in a few minutes, or hours, or (yes, sometimes) days you'll be crazy about again and you never want the option of simply walking away.  I know that no one could ever love me the way my husband does.  He genuinely takes care of me.  He busts his butt to pay bills and provide extra money so that we can do things like going out to eat or going to the movies and is also in school part time.  He'll be the first one to jump up to make me a cup of coffee and he knows exactly how I take it.  He's the best thing that I've found in my little life and I wouldn't give him up for anything...I just might lock him in the closet one day though ;)

God's sense of humor

I hate to think of myself as the jealous type.  I usually convert what most people would store as jealousy into happiness for another person.  I do this so well in fact that jealousy, for the most part, is so far from mind that it's not even something I consider other people having.  Now, I'm not bragging (let's be clear on that), I simply have a tendency of turning negative into  positive. I'm a problem solver, if you will.  Now, jealousy has been an issue for me when it comes to romantic relationships, but that's another story in itself.  Even in that department I've pretty much outgrown the jealousy stage.  Maybe it's because I've become older, wiser, more mature or maybe I've simply grown apathetic towards my significant other's interests in the opposite sex.  No that's not it... Is it that I trust him fully?  Probably not, I'm not very trusting (that's for a different blog, though).  I think that this is where my problem solving skills come into play.  Maybe, due to them, I feel as though it does not matter if my significant other "flirts" a little or if I catch him noticing another woman, because I know that if he ever acted on any impending urges I would simply leave.  Not to say that I wouldn't be broken hearted, It's just that I'm kind of a realist.  I know that no matter how much it would hurt I could walk away with my head high and EVENTUALLY move on.  Problem Solved!  

All of the above being stated, today for the first time in a long time, I found myself becoming jealous.
I know we've been over the baby thing 101 times already so, let me make what I'm about to say clearer as to not confuse any of my friends that may read this.  I am very happy for those of my FRIENDS that have children. They are all excellent mothers and fathers and it brings me great joy to know that their children, whom I love abundantly, are being brought up by people that I feel will help them to become exceptionally grounded, caring, fruitful members of society.  However, when some one that I know has no business bringing children into the world, is currently at the hospital giving birth...I get a little frustrated.
It's not my place to judge, I know this, but really God? I mean really??  Then again, it's not my place to ask God, "why?" either.  As a Christian I am suppose to be loving and accepting, I'm suppose to put aside jealousy and  partiality.  People are suppose to know I'm a Christian because I am just so darn loving that they can see God's works through me but, GOLLY!  How long do I keep my top sealed before it blows.

I can't even adapt to the society that this nation is accepting now.  We rejoice when some 26 year old girl has a baby with her 56 year old unemployed, man-child boyfriend that lives with his mom because he can't afford to pay rent elsewhere.  I mean really?  Not to mention she is unemployed and living with his mother as well, but post on Facebook that you're having a baby and everyone and their mother is all, "Yay for you" and "I'm so happy for you guys, let me know if you need anything!!". "need anything"? Yeah how about they need a do over in life! How about that?!?!?!  I'm pathetic, as I'm writing this I'm thinking, "too harsh, Ella!! back down, girl!"  because my audience of 3 people that I already open up like this to is definitely going to change the way they look at me because of a blog....right.

The reason I don't like jealousy is because it's ugly.  Who wants to be ugly?  So, if something is so easily avoidable that it's as simple as changing the words that exit your lips (or finger tips) until you start to believe them as well, than why aren't we all kinder, and less jealous?  We like to solve our problems in the simplest manner and being nasty to one another resolves that pent up jealousy a lot easier than converting it over to a different emotion.   Tonight however, I'm taking the easy road out and having a pity party.  I'm asking all of the old questions, "why them and not me?" "What have I done to deserve this?" "How can God give them the blessing I've been praying for when they are so evil?"...I'm at my ugliest tonight, people! Beware!

I don't love you, but I always will...

"You only know what I want you to, I know everything you don't want me to. Your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine, you think your dreams are the same as mine..."



Watching the movie, 'Something Borrowed' always gives me conflicting feelings.


I'm officially exhausted by juggling school and work.  So exhausted in fact that I do not feel like typing...night night

Sort of...

"Baby you've got the sort of hands to rip me apart and baby you've got the sort of face to start this old heart"



    I can't believe it's Christmas Eve. Time is rushing by and I believe with full confidence that I have surrounded myself with people that improve this overall experience rather than make life harder than it has to be.  I mean really, I know I don't always get along with everyone but that never sticks with the close circle of friends I've developed within my short little significant lifetime.  I have some "fair weather friends" (a term I learned from a Jackass) but for the most part my core circle of relationships has stuck.  True friendships are not measured by the amount of time you spend by each other's side but rather your interactions once reunited (and also post argument reactions) If your friends disappear after a disagreement over a guy, religion, or bologna then they were never a good friend anyway (I know because I've been the 'crappy friend' that disappeared, also; I can't spell "bologna" without singing the Oscar Meyer theme song in my head)


So anyway, back to Christmas,,,,

This year we went to Tavie's house and had dinner and a bonfire with (almost) everyone in my family, then we went to a bonfire at Ashton's and I have to say that was probably my best Saturday all year! You know what they say, "save the best for last". Tomorrow we're having breakfast with my in laws and then spending the day with my mom in Floral City. I'm really looking forward to New Year's Eve, though!  We have no definite plans yet but it's one of my favorite holidays, it's one of those no pressure nights with fun stuff like, confetti canons and fire works! I'm also a fan of the 4th of July for those reasons....What can I say...I like bright, loud, shiny stuff :)

My 24th Birthday....

Not a Fan.



Good night!!!

I could stand and look at you forever while other lifetimes pass me by

I just had an awesome lunch with my husband at sonny's where I chowed down like I need to gain weight or something. I even talked him into letting me buy this little old man's lunch!  He had a senior discount so it was only like $6 but still, I'm proud of Eugene. My strange celebrity CD came in and it takes me straight back to teenage angst (aaaah yeeeaah). So. Good. It takes me all the way back to when the song I was listening to literally controlled my emotions.
     I had my prep class for the science portion of my TEAS test today and considering I've never taken any kind of science I was completely lost.  Now I'm pretty positive that I'm going to fail my test and it's $45. every time I retake it.  I literally didn't understand 97% of what she was talking about today and I was mortified at the idea of her possibly calling on me.  I have to figure something out because I have to pass this test.

Babble on Babylon

All this rain has me in a funk, but as my friend's mother's friend said on a comment thread I was involved in on facebook, "I would rather have rain that fire". I'm thankful for the rain despite my funk because right now we're living with a single window unit and the house has been much cooler due to the lack of sunshine.  I'm going to cover a few things today as reminders to myself, later on when reread my blogs, of how I feel in this moment. I can't stand 90% of my friends right now.  Everyone is pregnant or getting married or both or has already done both and are miserable. Baby plans and Wedding plans make me sick right now mainly because they're two things I want one of which I will never have.  We're planning a late honeymoon for October but I'm not getting my hopes up about that because I had a wedding planned as well. It's to the point that I'm tired of going to the baby section in stores to buy gifts.  As for wedding gifts, I hope no one is expecting one of those because whether or not I had a wedding I still got married and no one seemed to care outside of my family and Kerri.  I will feel better if I can get accepted into Taylor's PTA program, it would really change my life (and outlook on life).  Not that we're hurting financially. We make enough to get by but I want to thrive not just survive.  Oneday, I want to walk through the mall and buy whatever I want without feeling guilty.  This sounds shallow but I've never been in that place where I'm so financially stable that I can spend any amount of money without second guessing it.  Soon.   It's not that I'm not happy for my friends, I wish everyone the best of luck with the utmost happiness. I'm just having a hard time looking into my own future and I'm nervous. At least I have an awesome husband- he makes all of this easier.

  Now, onto the main person I'm annoyed with....How can you talk about all these men that you flirt with and want to sleep with and then turn around and say the thought of leaving your husband takes your ability to breathe away because he's your soul mate and so on?  My husband legitimately drives me crazy sometimes but never have I thought about texting or 'sexting' with another man, I deleted and blocked any possible temptations back when things first got serious in our relationship and haven't looked back.  When you really love some one you keep out of the line of temptation because real love doesn't needs tests of faith. It's just...there. You KNOW how you feel and you don't need to prove it to yourself by turning away hopeful prospects.  Not that you're turning them away, no no, far from it.  You're all but sleeping with these guys. It's shameful. I CAN'T STAND IT. If the shoe were on the other foot and your husband was doing these things you'd be first in the divorce line at the court house crying, "He's a cheater!".  You're possibly the biggest hypocrite I have ever met.  Let me find where my husband has been texting back and forth with some girl and she's sending pictures of herself naked and see what happens...and I would have every right to be pissed off because I would NEVER do that myself. I'm not saying that your husband deserves an award for his great achievements as a husband and father (in fact he does the bare minimum) but he's there which is more than a lot of women can say.  He works, he puts up with your moody ass, and he doesn't text other women or talk to them on facebook (oh yeah, because you made him delete his facebook because one of his bestfriend's longtime girlfriends added him...that's right).  I love you so much but you're not the person I became friends with 8 years ago and that makes me sad....then again maybe you are and I just see you for what you've been all along. Now that I'm married the thought of breaking those vows breaks my heart because it is such a serious commitment and I would feel like I seriously wasted my time if my husband broke his vows to me. but then again what is the point in making them if you aren't going to keep them.  To make everything ok in God's eyes?  What a joke. STOP acting like I'm the bad guy and I don't come around. you're spoiled because for the last 8 years I've driven to you and now that I'm in my own home you act like you can't come over here- any of my other friends come over whenever invited but you can't come over once every  6 months and you always have an excuse (ie: "I don't have gas money but you can come over here"and then the next day you're driving to the beach) I really think it's time to move past our friendship- honestly I've out grown this constant teenage drama. we're both in our mid 20s I have no desire to act 16 anymore.  It breaks my heart to say some of these things and maybe that's why i can't literally say them to you but it's how I feel and have felt for a long time now. I love you but I can't deal with you right now. 

I wanna dance, and love, and dance again

As humans, when it comes to sleeping, we have a tendency to revert back to 5 year olds.  Doing whatever we need to avoid the inevitable. I stayed up all night waiting on my husband to get home, I then made him buttermilk pancakes from scratch, and he is currently sleeping on the couch.  Meanwhile, I am still fighting sleep and I don't truly understand why.  I guess I'm worried that if I lay down I will sleep my whole day away, at this point.  My friends are all working or spending time with their loved ones and where am I? Sleeping.  So maybe I shouldn't chalk it up to the whole human race. Maybe I'm the only 5 year old in the room, so be it.
 
    I want a baby.  Everyone around me is getting pregnant left and right and here I am, barren.  I KNOW that right now is NOT the right time but it's hard.  I want a baby for selfish reasons anyway. I want some one that loves me more than anyone else :) (Other Than Eugene. lol).

   At least my new job looks promising. looks like I'll be free of all the abuse I'm getting currently.  It's like I'm waiting for the bomb to drop though, nothing should be that simple.

you again

I had a dream that you were the man in my life again. It was like I had never met Eugene. In this dream my mother lost her home (much like she did in reality a few months ago), only this time because I was still with you I was still living with her, which means I lost my home too. We(my mom and I) looked into the apartments, you know the ones that Kerri lives in. We were approved for 2 separate 1 bedroom apartments and though they weren't very nice they were very cheap. I sat in this apartment(my first home completely by myself) and felt so alone knowing that I had the "love of my life" but we hadn't talked in 2 days and I would be living alone for possibly a year before ever seeing you. Upon waking up I realized that this was my subconscious congratulating me on my stellar decisions over the last 2 years. I loved you, there will always be a part of me that does love you, with a different kind of love. The man I'm with now is marvelous and I wouldn't trade him for anything, not even to find out what things could have been like if you had chosen me over yourself. Thank you for being selfish, life for me is fabulous. Love always, his.

How high up can you be before you're low again?

I've reached a high and I'm expecting a low. Here I am, turning 23 in less than 2 months and it has taken what seems like forever for me to realize that the world is not going to slow down or stop for me to achieve my goals. Maybe it's because I've been an adult my whole life, but I am tired. I'm tired of struggling, tired of heartbreak, and most importantly tired of wasting time. I know I'm not old by any means but I feel at least 35 (which isn't old either, but when you feel 12 years older than you are there is a problem). I mentally beat myself up all the time about how unsuccessful I am (my Capricorn is showing). I started college at 16 I should have a friggin Masters degree by now. Instead, what do I have? Well, 19 college credits, a crappy job, and a gpa that makes me ineligible for financial assistance. Not that I was rolling in the money when I was in college but in a way I was. I was receiving $800 per month from the government as long as I stayed in school via survivor's benefits from my father. I dropped out of college and they dropped the funds. I can do this without too much of a struggle it's just I've always been so goal focused (ie: I have to have a goal, even if it never gets completed) that I figured by now I would have graduated from college, married, and be working on a family. It feels like I skipped step one and ran right into steps 2 & 3. Which is great! I love my husband, but he's already finished with school and has a good head on his shoulders, he wants babies and soon (as do I). I just worry b/c in the real world anything can happen. What if I get pregnant and then he goes out and gets shot up in the hood (hey it could happen, watch the news). I have no education to support our baby. Usually I would fall back on my mother (terrible I know) but she's not doing too hot herself these days and I just couldn't do that to her, she's already supporting my older sister on a fixed SSI. Which all of this could be moot considering my sister (you know, the one that my mother is supporting) has a BS degree in Counseling and hasn't been able to find a stable job since she graduated. Meanwhile, my friend's father has a few hundred thousand dollars in the bank and never stepped foot inside a college. That type of success doesn't fall into just anyone's lap though, you have to know people, come from money, or at least know what you're doing. Lets face it, everyone I know with the exception of him makes under $50,000 a year, my family was always tight on money growing up (I mean like make each other's Christmas presents, tight), and I have no clue what I'm doing (Hello, I just used an analogy with the term "shot up in the hood"). Maybe I need to see a guidance counselor or maybe just a counselor in general.

Please

This is me avoiding responsibility and possibilities
This is me crying out for help when I've given up
when I think about what I was capable of i feel weak now
Like there's no where to go but done b/c I've already been to the top and turned around
Where were you when my world stopped spinning and I didn't
I was lost in the swirls of pinks and blue and you were not among them
to stop this dizzy decline
Tell me I'm lost but you can't name the place where you stand
I want my strength, I want to reach
This is me trying and failing
This is me letting go

is anyone trustworthy?

Time

She's Hell on wheels in his passenger seat

she's his blind spot, but she's all he sees

He'll treat her right if they give him time

b/c time shows all things

Daddy's little Girl and Momma's little Lady

Only 17 years old and she's having a baby

Mixed emotions fly but she's by his side

b/c time shows all things

They don't have a dime between the two of them

He's wasting time but she still believes in him

He'll make this right if they just give him time

b/c time shows all things

1 year old today with no daddy in sight

she's walking and talking, he's changed his mind

Her face a carbon copy but her heart is not

Time shows all things

Papa's little girl and Grannie's little lady

17 years old and she's momma's sweet angel

She'll be alright b/c she's had time

And Time heals all things

Sometimes Life isn't fair...but sometimes it is absolutely perfect

So now everything makes sense. It's kind of like all of the heart break and frustrations were puzzle peices and they've all come together to make this beautiful mess. I feel like with every relationship something was missing, they never felt right but I forced them to work b/c I don't like being alone. Here I am now looking at the full picture thinking, "wow look at what they've made me". I am a confident, strong woman who knows what she wants out of a relationship. I was getting just a little bit of what i need from every boyfriend I've had in the past and not all of what I want let alone what I need. Now I have this amazing man by my side, this strong, handsome, protective, funny, sweet, man and he loves me with all of his heart. For the first time I'm not lying to myself about how well my significant other is treating me. No matter how much crap Pat put me through I always made him sound better, not only to others but myself. I'm sure some of my friends have GOT to be thinking, "I've heard this before" everytime i talk about how awesome Eugene is lol but what matters to me is I know how perfect this is.

postponing the inevitable

Lay your head on my blanket I'll tell you a tail
Rest your face near my knees
Run your hands accross my feet
I'll try not to flinch but won't help but smile
Keep my secrets love, because I can't
Every whisper will remain on my neck and every tear will remain on my shoulder
This is so long, this is goodbye, this is the once inevitable taking place
Please remind me one last time of that night on the coast
You took my hand and I took your breath away
I know you've told me a hundred times but one more time never hurt
Closing my eyes takes me there everytime
I can't help but love who we were
I hope life treats you fair and you find the girl that you can't leave
I'll find the man that won't leave me
Your potential is overwhelming, grow with it
All of the things we never will be are lost and what was has been slipped away
fairwell.

eval

I went on a date last night. Well it was kind of a date, we went to Dennys and it was late so he insisted on calling it a "predate evaluation" lol. I actually had a good time. Patrick was unfortunately in the back of my mind for most of it but those thoughts will pass. I hate how much I love him. This guy is funny and for the most part doesn't laugh at his own jokes which makes him funnier and i give my respect for that aspect of his sense of humor b/c God knows I laugh at all of my jokes :) .

Dear Marsi

I can't post comments on your blog. You're my 'Rehab' boo- I love you!

'Cause I'm just one of those ghosts traveling endlessly, don't need no roads...in fact they follow me

I relapsed and in a weird way I feel okay about it. At first I was disappointed in myself but i feel ok about it now. I was wondering if he ever even thought about me and now i know that even if it was just for a second...he thought about me. Victory is mine. Oh my gosh I've lost my damn mind. I'm certifiable. When will this ever end? Everytime I feel better I remember the man i wanted to marry. How did he give up I wonder...in the very least I wish he would teach me his ways. Don't I deserve that much? Teach me how to fall out of love with you. Tell me how to flush the last two years of my life and just start over b/c good lord, i miss you more everyday.

I've got to stop watching 'How I Met Your Mother' season 1- Lily and Marshall's break up is killing me

nothing good ever happens past 2am...just go to sleep

I log onto aim 10 times a day just expecting him to be there. I check my email just as many times expecting the number of emails in my inbox to jump from 9 to 10. I must have read the 9 emails that are in there a hundred times each already. One that he sent awhile back that was just a silly forward, another telling me how much he missed me, the next telling me how much he needs me, one from a short time later telling me he didn't know what he wanted anymore, and then of course the most recent ones banishing me from talking to him and putting more blame on me than i thought i deserved at the time they were originally sent.
I've thought about everything and then gone back and thought about it again. I've replayed every conversation, every sentence, every word. I've thought about what i could have done differently and the impact those choices would have made. I've considered what he could have done but didn't and I've justified our decisions more times than i care to admit following the consideration that they were crazy. I want the chance to fix things in our relationship. Not in our romantic relationship because at this point the pope himself couldn't convince Patrick to sit in a room with me, let alone talk things through. I want to fix things in the realtionship we built as friends, as much as it pains me to use that word. I've talked to him more in the last 2 years than anyone else and now nothing...Just silence. It's killing me.
Imagine laying your head on some ones chest and listening to their heart beat for 2 years and knowing that it was beating for you alone and then oneday without you ever moving an inch the beat just stops. You hit the chest and you climb to your knees for leverage to pound harder and nothing works. You're helpless. That is what I've felt everyday for 2 weeks now and in turn my heart is stopping and i can't say that i want it to continue if it means a lifetime of silence like this.
The words he said to me cut me like a knife and what hurts is i know i deserved them but he didn't. He said those angry hateful words to me without even realizing i deserved to hear them and then he walked away.
I need to talk this out with him and i can't. There isn't even a gaurantee that i'll ever be able to.