I hate to think of myself as the jealous type. I usually convert what most people would store as jealousy into happiness for another person. I do this so well in fact that jealousy, for the most part, is so far from mind that it's not even something I consider other people having. Now, I'm not bragging (let's be clear on that), I simply have a tendency of turning negative into positive. I'm a problem solver, if you will. Now, jealousy has been an issue for me when it comes to romantic relationships, but that's another story in itself. Even in that department I've pretty much outgrown the jealousy stage. Maybe it's because I've become older, wiser, more mature or maybe I've simply grown apathetic towards my significant other's interests in the opposite sex. No that's not it... Is it that I trust him fully? Probably not, I'm not very trusting (that's for a different blog, though). I think that this is where my problem solving skills come into play. Maybe, due to them, I feel as though it does not matter if my significant other "flirts" a little or if I catch him noticing another woman, because I know that if he ever acted on any impending urges I would simply leave. Not to say that I wouldn't be broken hearted, It's just that I'm kind of a realist. I know that no matter how much it would hurt I could walk away with my head high and EVENTUALLY move on. Problem Solved!
All of the above being stated, today for the first time in a long time, I found myself becoming jealous.
I know we've been over the baby thing 101 times already so, let me make what I'm about to say clearer as to not confuse any of my friends that may read this. I am very happy for those of my FRIENDS that have children. They are all excellent mothers and fathers and it brings me great joy to know that their children, whom I love abundantly, are being brought up by people that I feel will help them to become exceptionally grounded, caring, fruitful members of society. However, when some one that I know has no business bringing children into the world, is currently at the hospital giving birth...I get a little frustrated.
It's not my place to judge, I know this, but really God? I mean really?? Then again, it's not my place to ask God, "why?" either. As a Christian I am suppose to be loving and accepting, I'm suppose to put aside jealousy and partiality. People are suppose to know I'm a Christian because I am just so darn loving that they can see God's works through me but, GOLLY! How long do I keep my top sealed before it blows.
I can't even adapt to the society that this nation is accepting now. We rejoice when some 26 year old girl has a baby with her 56 year old unemployed, man-child boyfriend that lives with his mom because he can't afford to pay rent elsewhere. I mean really? Not to mention she is unemployed and living with his mother as well, but post on Facebook that you're having a baby and everyone and their mother is all, "Yay for you" and "I'm so happy for you guys, let me know if you need anything!!". "need anything"? Yeah how about they need a do over in life! How about that?!?!?! I'm pathetic, as I'm writing this I'm thinking, "too harsh, Ella!! back down, girl!" because my audience of 3 people that I already open up like this to is definitely going to change the way they look at me because of a blog....right.
The reason I don't like jealousy is because it's ugly. Who wants to be ugly? So, if something is so easily avoidable that it's as simple as changing the words that exit your lips (or finger tips) until you start to believe them as well, than why aren't we all kinder, and less jealous? We like to solve our problems in the simplest manner and being nasty to one another resolves that pent up jealousy a lot easier than converting it over to a different emotion. Tonight however, I'm taking the easy road out and having a pity party. I'm asking all of the old questions, "why them and not me?" "What have I done to deserve this?" "How can God give them the blessing I've been praying for when they are so evil?"...I'm at my ugliest tonight, people! Beware!
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