Okay, everything I said about having a baby, I take back. The last couple of weeks have been a huge wake up call. I feel like I've been tested in every way, shape, and form. There is no way that I can have a child, be in school, work a fulltime job, AND be a good wife. NO. FRIGGIN. WAY.
I'm glad that I'm finally continuing my education, I'm stoked to have a job that I love, and I know that there is no one in this world that I would rather be in love with (which is scary because sometimes I think I could smother him with the damn pillow he sleeps with). I'm happy I really am, but holy crap I am exhausted. I feel like I never stop moving!!! The fact that I have 15 minutes to blog is crazy to me and in reality I have a butt ton of other things I could be doing (folding laundry, cleaning the kitchen, studying for my bio midterm, fixing the nail polish on my toenails, finalizing our monthly budget for this year, rearranging the bedroom like I've wanted to for 8 months, cleaning the bathroom, studying for my math exam tomorrow, I mean really...). One area that I would particularly like to focus on is my marriage. I sincerely try to be a good wife. I don't notice other men's looks, I try my hardest to keep a clean house, I definitely give this man enough sex, I constantly boost his ego with compliments, all while working 32 hours per week and taking a full course load at school two counties away. I'm sincerely trying. Failure is not an option therefore divorce is not an option (not that I've reached that point, by any means). It's just that; these days with everything else I have going on I feel like no matter what I do, it's not enough to make both of us happy. I know he's trying too, but sometimes it feels like he doesn't see how hard I'm working at this. We're arguing a lot and that gets you no where, it just makes me even more exhausted and that makes me even more irritable . How can you be so in love and so ready to run away all at the same time? As much as I hate to admit it this is a question I've asked myself a hundred times this week already. I babysat for my associate pastor and his wife yesterday. They have 2 young children and a baby. I think I did pretty well but I didn't get any homework done because I was so afraid that something would happen with one of the kids and I wouldn't have been paying attention. That being said, I looked away for 15 seconds and their daughter(4 years old) apparently fell off of something in the back yard and scraped the underside of her arm and her little pink cast(from breaking her finger a couple of days ago) fell off. I could have died! all I could think was, "how am I going to explain this?!? they're going to think I was ignoring her or neglecting her!" . They were pretty awesome about the whole thing though and understood that stuff happens. I guess that comes with being a parent, I don't know. What I do know is, I'm not ready to be a parent. I love kids but I have enough responsibility right now. I know I'll thank myself when I'm done with school, so until then I'm perfectly happy raising my 28 year old and taking care of just the 2 of us. Being a wife is much more of a responsibility than I thought it was before I met Eugene, it REQUIRES work. Some of the arguments he and I have been in would have ended a relationship if we had just been dating whereas with marriage (and divorce not being an option, as for mentioned) there is no breaking up over what really is something petty that just blew up. I think that's one of the major points of getting married, finding the person that no matter how bad, in the moment, you want to break up...you know that in a few minutes, or hours, or (yes, sometimes) days you'll be crazy about again and you never want the option of simply walking away. I know that no one could ever love me the way my husband does. He genuinely takes care of me. He busts his butt to pay bills and provide extra money so that we can do things like going out to eat or going to the movies and is also in school part time. He'll be the first one to jump up to make me a cup of coffee and he knows exactly how I take it. He's the best thing that I've found in my little life and I wouldn't give him up for anything...I just might lock him in the closet one day though ;)
No comments:
Post a Comment