I could stand and look at you forever while other lifetimes pass me by

I just had an awesome lunch with my husband at sonny's where I chowed down like I need to gain weight or something. I even talked him into letting me buy this little old man's lunch!  He had a senior discount so it was only like $6 but still, I'm proud of Eugene. My strange celebrity CD came in and it takes me straight back to teenage angst (aaaah yeeeaah). So. Good. It takes me all the way back to when the song I was listening to literally controlled my emotions.
     I had my prep class for the science portion of my TEAS test today and considering I've never taken any kind of science I was completely lost.  Now I'm pretty positive that I'm going to fail my test and it's $45. every time I retake it.  I literally didn't understand 97% of what she was talking about today and I was mortified at the idea of her possibly calling on me.  I have to figure something out because I have to pass this test.

Babble on Babylon

All this rain has me in a funk, but as my friend's mother's friend said on a comment thread I was involved in on facebook, "I would rather have rain that fire". I'm thankful for the rain despite my funk because right now we're living with a single window unit and the house has been much cooler due to the lack of sunshine.  I'm going to cover a few things today as reminders to myself, later on when reread my blogs, of how I feel in this moment. I can't stand 90% of my friends right now.  Everyone is pregnant or getting married or both or has already done both and are miserable. Baby plans and Wedding plans make me sick right now mainly because they're two things I want one of which I will never have.  We're planning a late honeymoon for October but I'm not getting my hopes up about that because I had a wedding planned as well. It's to the point that I'm tired of going to the baby section in stores to buy gifts.  As for wedding gifts, I hope no one is expecting one of those because whether or not I had a wedding I still got married and no one seemed to care outside of my family and Kerri.  I will feel better if I can get accepted into Taylor's PTA program, it would really change my life (and outlook on life).  Not that we're hurting financially. We make enough to get by but I want to thrive not just survive.  Oneday, I want to walk through the mall and buy whatever I want without feeling guilty.  This sounds shallow but I've never been in that place where I'm so financially stable that I can spend any amount of money without second guessing it.  Soon.   It's not that I'm not happy for my friends, I wish everyone the best of luck with the utmost happiness. I'm just having a hard time looking into my own future and I'm nervous. At least I have an awesome husband- he makes all of this easier.

  Now, onto the main person I'm annoyed with....How can you talk about all these men that you flirt with and want to sleep with and then turn around and say the thought of leaving your husband takes your ability to breathe away because he's your soul mate and so on?  My husband legitimately drives me crazy sometimes but never have I thought about texting or 'sexting' with another man, I deleted and blocked any possible temptations back when things first got serious in our relationship and haven't looked back.  When you really love some one you keep out of the line of temptation because real love doesn't needs tests of faith. It's just...there. You KNOW how you feel and you don't need to prove it to yourself by turning away hopeful prospects.  Not that you're turning them away, no no, far from it.  You're all but sleeping with these guys. It's shameful. I CAN'T STAND IT. If the shoe were on the other foot and your husband was doing these things you'd be first in the divorce line at the court house crying, "He's a cheater!".  You're possibly the biggest hypocrite I have ever met.  Let me find where my husband has been texting back and forth with some girl and she's sending pictures of herself naked and see what happens...and I would have every right to be pissed off because I would NEVER do that myself. I'm not saying that your husband deserves an award for his great achievements as a husband and father (in fact he does the bare minimum) but he's there which is more than a lot of women can say.  He works, he puts up with your moody ass, and he doesn't text other women or talk to them on facebook (oh yeah, because you made him delete his facebook because one of his bestfriend's longtime girlfriends added him...that's right).  I love you so much but you're not the person I became friends with 8 years ago and that makes me sad....then again maybe you are and I just see you for what you've been all along. Now that I'm married the thought of breaking those vows breaks my heart because it is such a serious commitment and I would feel like I seriously wasted my time if my husband broke his vows to me. but then again what is the point in making them if you aren't going to keep them.  To make everything ok in God's eyes?  What a joke. STOP acting like I'm the bad guy and I don't come around. you're spoiled because for the last 8 years I've driven to you and now that I'm in my own home you act like you can't come over here- any of my other friends come over whenever invited but you can't come over once every  6 months and you always have an excuse (ie: "I don't have gas money but you can come over here"and then the next day you're driving to the beach) I really think it's time to move past our friendship- honestly I've out grown this constant teenage drama. we're both in our mid 20s I have no desire to act 16 anymore.  It breaks my heart to say some of these things and maybe that's why i can't literally say them to you but it's how I feel and have felt for a long time now. I love you but I can't deal with you right now.