the lead balloon

Remember me when you fall on your knees
when you take heart to all the words its to late to heed
try not to take it too hard when you come to the conclusion
that i was the real thing not a manchild's illusion

Remember the love i so carfully gave
and how scared i was to trust when i did anyway
read the letters that i wrote that exclaimed every sense
and spoke about the past that you fixed with your presense

Remember how i traced you with my finger tips
I memorized your arms, fingers, and lips
I promised that no matter what I would never forget
this was the truth, I never did

Remember holding me on sunday afternoons
you never had to but always left too soon
never as important as i should have been
taking for granted your piece of heaven

Remember, remember, remember though I know it's hard
heartache is never easy when the transgressor is at large
So hang your head in shame as you face your charge
I would hold your hand but i cant reach that far

Remember I still love you though it's probably moot
I'd still take your name though you'd say it's too soon
I would still forgive you, though you don't know why you're wrong
I guess waiting forever won't take too long

Yell til your lungs bleed...

I'm holding onto everything
losing grip, my hands sting
Juggling your words in my mind
Fleeting worship, you're too kind

Attempting to memorize all of the good
you left me alone, who knew you could?
tears of ice fall with pain
anger rises and sadness fades

My heart would break if I had one left
It was gone before you but I still gave my best
Now the hole where it was has sealed
Its a desolate, you should have filled

I was afraid to love another, now I'm petrified
It's the same story another day, at least you didn't lie
I've tried to trust a million ways, I shouldn't have to try
It could have, should have, would have worked if you hadn't said goodbye

"It made me wonder how many times we forgive just because we don't want to lose someone, even if they don't deserve our forgiveness."

Patrick and I "broke up" about a month and a half ago but it has felt like it never happened. We still say 'I love you' and 'I miss you baby'. We still use pet names when we talk to each other everyday, b/c oh yeah...we still talk to each other everyday. I love him, i do. Nothing is changing though. I have two options, I can be miserable for the next couple of years while he's at school, knowing we don't want the same things or i can move on. Both choices are hard and come with consequences. Alot of what has happened this year has been painful emotionally. A man I'm in love with, whom i believe does love me was capable of moving to the other side of the country and not look back once. That hurts like a stab to the heart. I know that if he had stayed things would have worked out. He says "well if we couldn't make it through something like this then it makes me wonder if we could make it through anything else.". There are people in this world that can do long distance relationships. I tried but i hate feeling abandoned and that's all i felt, constantly. My heart is consistently achy. I believe obstacle are placed in life and the paths we choose define how our life plays out. So, no we didn't survive him moving away. However, that does not mean we would not have worked out had he found a school closer to home or wanted me to be there with him. It's time for me to focus on myself and the people around me. He was by no means a waste of time. I learned alot from our relationship, we have so many awesome memories together. I can't finish this now...