I could stand and look at you forever while other lifetimes pass me by

I just had an awesome lunch with my husband at sonny's where I chowed down like I need to gain weight or something. I even talked him into letting me buy this little old man's lunch!  He had a senior discount so it was only like $6 but still, I'm proud of Eugene. My strange celebrity CD came in and it takes me straight back to teenage angst (aaaah yeeeaah). So. Good. It takes me all the way back to when the song I was listening to literally controlled my emotions.
     I had my prep class for the science portion of my TEAS test today and considering I've never taken any kind of science I was completely lost.  Now I'm pretty positive that I'm going to fail my test and it's $45. every time I retake it.  I literally didn't understand 97% of what she was talking about today and I was mortified at the idea of her possibly calling on me.  I have to figure something out because I have to pass this test.

Babble on Babylon

All this rain has me in a funk, but as my friend's mother's friend said on a comment thread I was involved in on facebook, "I would rather have rain that fire". I'm thankful for the rain despite my funk because right now we're living with a single window unit and the house has been much cooler due to the lack of sunshine.  I'm going to cover a few things today as reminders to myself, later on when reread my blogs, of how I feel in this moment. I can't stand 90% of my friends right now.  Everyone is pregnant or getting married or both or has already done both and are miserable. Baby plans and Wedding plans make me sick right now mainly because they're two things I want one of which I will never have.  We're planning a late honeymoon for October but I'm not getting my hopes up about that because I had a wedding planned as well. It's to the point that I'm tired of going to the baby section in stores to buy gifts.  As for wedding gifts, I hope no one is expecting one of those because whether or not I had a wedding I still got married and no one seemed to care outside of my family and Kerri.  I will feel better if I can get accepted into Taylor's PTA program, it would really change my life (and outlook on life).  Not that we're hurting financially. We make enough to get by but I want to thrive not just survive.  Oneday, I want to walk through the mall and buy whatever I want without feeling guilty.  This sounds shallow but I've never been in that place where I'm so financially stable that I can spend any amount of money without second guessing it.  Soon.   It's not that I'm not happy for my friends, I wish everyone the best of luck with the utmost happiness. I'm just having a hard time looking into my own future and I'm nervous. At least I have an awesome husband- he makes all of this easier.

  Now, onto the main person I'm annoyed with....How can you talk about all these men that you flirt with and want to sleep with and then turn around and say the thought of leaving your husband takes your ability to breathe away because he's your soul mate and so on?  My husband legitimately drives me crazy sometimes but never have I thought about texting or 'sexting' with another man, I deleted and blocked any possible temptations back when things first got serious in our relationship and haven't looked back.  When you really love some one you keep out of the line of temptation because real love doesn't needs tests of faith. It's just...there. You KNOW how you feel and you don't need to prove it to yourself by turning away hopeful prospects.  Not that you're turning them away, no no, far from it.  You're all but sleeping with these guys. It's shameful. I CAN'T STAND IT. If the shoe were on the other foot and your husband was doing these things you'd be first in the divorce line at the court house crying, "He's a cheater!".  You're possibly the biggest hypocrite I have ever met.  Let me find where my husband has been texting back and forth with some girl and she's sending pictures of herself naked and see what happens...and I would have every right to be pissed off because I would NEVER do that myself. I'm not saying that your husband deserves an award for his great achievements as a husband and father (in fact he does the bare minimum) but he's there which is more than a lot of women can say.  He works, he puts up with your moody ass, and he doesn't text other women or talk to them on facebook (oh yeah, because you made him delete his facebook because one of his bestfriend's longtime girlfriends added him...that's right).  I love you so much but you're not the person I became friends with 8 years ago and that makes me sad....then again maybe you are and I just see you for what you've been all along. Now that I'm married the thought of breaking those vows breaks my heart because it is such a serious commitment and I would feel like I seriously wasted my time if my husband broke his vows to me. but then again what is the point in making them if you aren't going to keep them.  To make everything ok in God's eyes?  What a joke. STOP acting like I'm the bad guy and I don't come around. you're spoiled because for the last 8 years I've driven to you and now that I'm in my own home you act like you can't come over here- any of my other friends come over whenever invited but you can't come over once every  6 months and you always have an excuse (ie: "I don't have gas money but you can come over here"and then the next day you're driving to the beach) I really think it's time to move past our friendship- honestly I've out grown this constant teenage drama. we're both in our mid 20s I have no desire to act 16 anymore.  It breaks my heart to say some of these things and maybe that's why i can't literally say them to you but it's how I feel and have felt for a long time now. I love you but I can't deal with you right now. 

I wanna dance, and love, and dance again

As humans, when it comes to sleeping, we have a tendency to revert back to 5 year olds.  Doing whatever we need to avoid the inevitable. I stayed up all night waiting on my husband to get home, I then made him buttermilk pancakes from scratch, and he is currently sleeping on the couch.  Meanwhile, I am still fighting sleep and I don't truly understand why.  I guess I'm worried that if I lay down I will sleep my whole day away, at this point.  My friends are all working or spending time with their loved ones and where am I? Sleeping.  So maybe I shouldn't chalk it up to the whole human race. Maybe I'm the only 5 year old in the room, so be it.
 
    I want a baby.  Everyone around me is getting pregnant left and right and here I am, barren.  I KNOW that right now is NOT the right time but it's hard.  I want a baby for selfish reasons anyway. I want some one that loves me more than anyone else :) (Other Than Eugene. lol).

   At least my new job looks promising. looks like I'll be free of all the abuse I'm getting currently.  It's like I'm waiting for the bomb to drop though, nothing should be that simple.

you again

I had a dream that you were the man in my life again. It was like I had never met Eugene. In this dream my mother lost her home (much like she did in reality a few months ago), only this time because I was still with you I was still living with her, which means I lost my home too. We(my mom and I) looked into the apartments, you know the ones that Kerri lives in. We were approved for 2 separate 1 bedroom apartments and though they weren't very nice they were very cheap. I sat in this apartment(my first home completely by myself) and felt so alone knowing that I had the "love of my life" but we hadn't talked in 2 days and I would be living alone for possibly a year before ever seeing you. Upon waking up I realized that this was my subconscious congratulating me on my stellar decisions over the last 2 years. I loved you, there will always be a part of me that does love you, with a different kind of love. The man I'm with now is marvelous and I wouldn't trade him for anything, not even to find out what things could have been like if you had chosen me over yourself. Thank you for being selfish, life for me is fabulous. Love always, his.

How high up can you be before you're low again?

I've reached a high and I'm expecting a low. Here I am, turning 23 in less than 2 months and it has taken what seems like forever for me to realize that the world is not going to slow down or stop for me to achieve my goals. Maybe it's because I've been an adult my whole life, but I am tired. I'm tired of struggling, tired of heartbreak, and most importantly tired of wasting time. I know I'm not old by any means but I feel at least 35 (which isn't old either, but when you feel 12 years older than you are there is a problem). I mentally beat myself up all the time about how unsuccessful I am (my Capricorn is showing). I started college at 16 I should have a friggin Masters degree by now. Instead, what do I have? Well, 19 college credits, a crappy job, and a gpa that makes me ineligible for financial assistance. Not that I was rolling in the money when I was in college but in a way I was. I was receiving $800 per month from the government as long as I stayed in school via survivor's benefits from my father. I dropped out of college and they dropped the funds. I can do this without too much of a struggle it's just I've always been so goal focused (ie: I have to have a goal, even if it never gets completed) that I figured by now I would have graduated from college, married, and be working on a family. It feels like I skipped step one and ran right into steps 2 & 3. Which is great! I love my husband, but he's already finished with school and has a good head on his shoulders, he wants babies and soon (as do I). I just worry b/c in the real world anything can happen. What if I get pregnant and then he goes out and gets shot up in the hood (hey it could happen, watch the news). I have no education to support our baby. Usually I would fall back on my mother (terrible I know) but she's not doing too hot herself these days and I just couldn't do that to her, she's already supporting my older sister on a fixed SSI. Which all of this could be moot considering my sister (you know, the one that my mother is supporting) has a BS degree in Counseling and hasn't been able to find a stable job since she graduated. Meanwhile, my friend's father has a few hundred thousand dollars in the bank and never stepped foot inside a college. That type of success doesn't fall into just anyone's lap though, you have to know people, come from money, or at least know what you're doing. Lets face it, everyone I know with the exception of him makes under $50,000 a year, my family was always tight on money growing up (I mean like make each other's Christmas presents, tight), and I have no clue what I'm doing (Hello, I just used an analogy with the term "shot up in the hood"). Maybe I need to see a guidance counselor or maybe just a counselor in general.

Please

This is me avoiding responsibility and possibilities
This is me crying out for help when I've given up
when I think about what I was capable of i feel weak now
Like there's no where to go but done b/c I've already been to the top and turned around
Where were you when my world stopped spinning and I didn't
I was lost in the swirls of pinks and blue and you were not among them
to stop this dizzy decline
Tell me I'm lost but you can't name the place where you stand
I want my strength, I want to reach
This is me trying and failing
This is me letting go

is anyone trustworthy?

Time

She's Hell on wheels in his passenger seat

she's his blind spot, but she's all he sees

He'll treat her right if they give him time

b/c time shows all things

Daddy's little Girl and Momma's little Lady

Only 17 years old and she's having a baby

Mixed emotions fly but she's by his side

b/c time shows all things

They don't have a dime between the two of them

He's wasting time but she still believes in him

He'll make this right if they just give him time

b/c time shows all things

1 year old today with no daddy in sight

she's walking and talking, he's changed his mind

Her face a carbon copy but her heart is not

Time shows all things

Papa's little girl and Grannie's little lady

17 years old and she's momma's sweet angel

She'll be alright b/c she's had time

And Time heals all things

Sometimes Life isn't fair...but sometimes it is absolutely perfect

So now everything makes sense. It's kind of like all of the heart break and frustrations were puzzle peices and they've all come together to make this beautiful mess. I feel like with every relationship something was missing, they never felt right but I forced them to work b/c I don't like being alone. Here I am now looking at the full picture thinking, "wow look at what they've made me". I am a confident, strong woman who knows what she wants out of a relationship. I was getting just a little bit of what i need from every boyfriend I've had in the past and not all of what I want let alone what I need. Now I have this amazing man by my side, this strong, handsome, protective, funny, sweet, man and he loves me with all of his heart. For the first time I'm not lying to myself about how well my significant other is treating me. No matter how much crap Pat put me through I always made him sound better, not only to others but myself. I'm sure some of my friends have GOT to be thinking, "I've heard this before" everytime i talk about how awesome Eugene is lol but what matters to me is I know how perfect this is.

postponing the inevitable

Lay your head on my blanket I'll tell you a tail
Rest your face near my knees
Run your hands accross my feet
I'll try not to flinch but won't help but smile
Keep my secrets love, because I can't
Every whisper will remain on my neck and every tear will remain on my shoulder
This is so long, this is goodbye, this is the once inevitable taking place
Please remind me one last time of that night on the coast
You took my hand and I took your breath away
I know you've told me a hundred times but one more time never hurt
Closing my eyes takes me there everytime
I can't help but love who we were
I hope life treats you fair and you find the girl that you can't leave
I'll find the man that won't leave me
Your potential is overwhelming, grow with it
All of the things we never will be are lost and what was has been slipped away
fairwell.

eval

I went on a date last night. Well it was kind of a date, we went to Dennys and it was late so he insisted on calling it a "predate evaluation" lol. I actually had a good time. Patrick was unfortunately in the back of my mind for most of it but those thoughts will pass. I hate how much I love him. This guy is funny and for the most part doesn't laugh at his own jokes which makes him funnier and i give my respect for that aspect of his sense of humor b/c God knows I laugh at all of my jokes :) .

Dear Marsi

I can't post comments on your blog. You're my 'Rehab' boo- I love you!

'Cause I'm just one of those ghosts traveling endlessly, don't need no roads...in fact they follow me

I relapsed and in a weird way I feel okay about it. At first I was disappointed in myself but i feel ok about it now. I was wondering if he ever even thought about me and now i know that even if it was just for a second...he thought about me. Victory is mine. Oh my gosh I've lost my damn mind. I'm certifiable. When will this ever end? Everytime I feel better I remember the man i wanted to marry. How did he give up I wonder...in the very least I wish he would teach me his ways. Don't I deserve that much? Teach me how to fall out of love with you. Tell me how to flush the last two years of my life and just start over b/c good lord, i miss you more everyday.

I've got to stop watching 'How I Met Your Mother' season 1- Lily and Marshall's break up is killing me

nothing good ever happens past 2am...just go to sleep

I log onto aim 10 times a day just expecting him to be there. I check my email just as many times expecting the number of emails in my inbox to jump from 9 to 10. I must have read the 9 emails that are in there a hundred times each already. One that he sent awhile back that was just a silly forward, another telling me how much he missed me, the next telling me how much he needs me, one from a short time later telling me he didn't know what he wanted anymore, and then of course the most recent ones banishing me from talking to him and putting more blame on me than i thought i deserved at the time they were originally sent.
I've thought about everything and then gone back and thought about it again. I've replayed every conversation, every sentence, every word. I've thought about what i could have done differently and the impact those choices would have made. I've considered what he could have done but didn't and I've justified our decisions more times than i care to admit following the consideration that they were crazy. I want the chance to fix things in our relationship. Not in our romantic relationship because at this point the pope himself couldn't convince Patrick to sit in a room with me, let alone talk things through. I want to fix things in the realtionship we built as friends, as much as it pains me to use that word. I've talked to him more in the last 2 years than anyone else and now nothing...Just silence. It's killing me.
Imagine laying your head on some ones chest and listening to their heart beat for 2 years and knowing that it was beating for you alone and then oneday without you ever moving an inch the beat just stops. You hit the chest and you climb to your knees for leverage to pound harder and nothing works. You're helpless. That is what I've felt everyday for 2 weeks now and in turn my heart is stopping and i can't say that i want it to continue if it means a lifetime of silence like this.
The words he said to me cut me like a knife and what hurts is i know i deserved them but he didn't. He said those angry hateful words to me without even realizing i deserved to hear them and then he walked away.
I need to talk this out with him and i can't. There isn't even a gaurantee that i'll ever be able to.

I'm at work but I can't clock in until 10 minutes before the first appt time...I came in 30 minutes early by mistake which really ticks me off b/c i was rushing around the house to get ready like a mad woman when I could have been sleeping. Patrick is in town but still isn't talking to me which is crazy considering he is the one that effed up, he'll never apologize and he'll never understand. Then you have Chris who is completely 100% in like with me - but I'm resistant b/c idk why he likes me as much as he does. He barely knows me and yet for some reason he thinks i hung the moon. Maybe that's been my problem in past relationships; I let them get to know me lol- then they see the crazy and turn into assholes. My birthday is in 8 days and i can't help but wonder if he'll even give it a second thought- this would be the fist birthday in 3 that i didn't have him here. Not that he ever really did anything special for me on my birthday...at all...come to think of it I don't think he's ever done anything for me on my birthday other than a card and being guilted into dinner...Why am I even upset of this douche bag (what's funny is as i write this im thinking, "What if we get back together and he reads this; he'll be so pissed off". I have a Problem.

cardiologistic

Who is wrong now
the doors are locked and the shades are down
Who will save me
The tub is full, I'm about to drown
What will get the job done
The gas leak was a nice touch but just wasn't enough
Where will I end up
If this is how it ends things are going to get rough

The last sounds I will hear are ticks, one second apart
The last thing I will see is a reflection through the dark
The water is warm against my cold arms
8 little pills have become a work of art

Goosebumps run across my knees
My eyelids lower and my heart starts to seize
water starts to slowly drip and my phone starts to ring

Who it was no longer matters
my nails are purple and my teeth chatter
I can not breath, just sleep
finally at earth's only peace

MARSI

Where did your blog go??

My head Might Explode

I thought It was over and I felt amazing. I was starting to do better and certain male pulled me right back in just to turn around and start the same stuff again. I love him and I can't handle that. I was finally feeling better. So now we're not talking until Thanksgiving; were I'm sure we'll talk everything out and he'll let me know what HE wants. I don't know what to do anymore, things use to be alot less complicated. My stress level is maxed out and I feel like I'm breaking.

You said I must eat so many lemons

It's finally completely over. It was messy, drawn out, and heart breaking. I came away, not necessarily stronger but rather, more confident. I know now, more than ever, what I want in a relationship and for once I'm not in a rush to find it. It will come in due time and it will be incredible. My dignity was not lost despite it's hanging on by a thread for three months.I'm more thankful for my friends than ever and they all deserve a pat on the back for putting up with me during this period.I have peace now and I'm okay with being alone. I just got too tired of clinging on by my finger tips to a situation that was never going to get better, my hands are sore but my heart is healing and I know now that everything is going to be okay.

the lead balloon

Remember me when you fall on your knees
when you take heart to all the words its to late to heed
try not to take it too hard when you come to the conclusion
that i was the real thing not a manchild's illusion

Remember the love i so carfully gave
and how scared i was to trust when i did anyway
read the letters that i wrote that exclaimed every sense
and spoke about the past that you fixed with your presense

Remember how i traced you with my finger tips
I memorized your arms, fingers, and lips
I promised that no matter what I would never forget
this was the truth, I never did

Remember holding me on sunday afternoons
you never had to but always left too soon
never as important as i should have been
taking for granted your piece of heaven

Remember, remember, remember though I know it's hard
heartache is never easy when the transgressor is at large
So hang your head in shame as you face your charge
I would hold your hand but i cant reach that far

Remember I still love you though it's probably moot
I'd still take your name though you'd say it's too soon
I would still forgive you, though you don't know why you're wrong
I guess waiting forever won't take too long