nothing good ever happens past 2am...just go to sleep

I log onto aim 10 times a day just expecting him to be there. I check my email just as many times expecting the number of emails in my inbox to jump from 9 to 10. I must have read the 9 emails that are in there a hundred times each already. One that he sent awhile back that was just a silly forward, another telling me how much he missed me, the next telling me how much he needs me, one from a short time later telling me he didn't know what he wanted anymore, and then of course the most recent ones banishing me from talking to him and putting more blame on me than i thought i deserved at the time they were originally sent.
I've thought about everything and then gone back and thought about it again. I've replayed every conversation, every sentence, every word. I've thought about what i could have done differently and the impact those choices would have made. I've considered what he could have done but didn't and I've justified our decisions more times than i care to admit following the consideration that they were crazy. I want the chance to fix things in our relationship. Not in our romantic relationship because at this point the pope himself couldn't convince Patrick to sit in a room with me, let alone talk things through. I want to fix things in the realtionship we built as friends, as much as it pains me to use that word. I've talked to him more in the last 2 years than anyone else and now nothing...Just silence. It's killing me.
Imagine laying your head on some ones chest and listening to their heart beat for 2 years and knowing that it was beating for you alone and then oneday without you ever moving an inch the beat just stops. You hit the chest and you climb to your knees for leverage to pound harder and nothing works. You're helpless. That is what I've felt everyday for 2 weeks now and in turn my heart is stopping and i can't say that i want it to continue if it means a lifetime of silence like this.
The words he said to me cut me like a knife and what hurts is i know i deserved them but he didn't. He said those angry hateful words to me without even realizing i deserved to hear them and then he walked away.
I need to talk this out with him and i can't. There isn't even a gaurantee that i'll ever be able to.