How high up can you be before you're low again?

I've reached a high and I'm expecting a low. Here I am, turning 23 in less than 2 months and it has taken what seems like forever for me to realize that the world is not going to slow down or stop for me to achieve my goals. Maybe it's because I've been an adult my whole life, but I am tired. I'm tired of struggling, tired of heartbreak, and most importantly tired of wasting time. I know I'm not old by any means but I feel at least 35 (which isn't old either, but when you feel 12 years older than you are there is a problem). I mentally beat myself up all the time about how unsuccessful I am (my Capricorn is showing). I started college at 16 I should have a friggin Masters degree by now. Instead, what do I have? Well, 19 college credits, a crappy job, and a gpa that makes me ineligible for financial assistance. Not that I was rolling in the money when I was in college but in a way I was. I was receiving $800 per month from the government as long as I stayed in school via survivor's benefits from my father. I dropped out of college and they dropped the funds. I can do this without too much of a struggle it's just I've always been so goal focused (ie: I have to have a goal, even if it never gets completed) that I figured by now I would have graduated from college, married, and be working on a family. It feels like I skipped step one and ran right into steps 2 & 3. Which is great! I love my husband, but he's already finished with school and has a good head on his shoulders, he wants babies and soon (as do I). I just worry b/c in the real world anything can happen. What if I get pregnant and then he goes out and gets shot up in the hood (hey it could happen, watch the news). I have no education to support our baby. Usually I would fall back on my mother (terrible I know) but she's not doing too hot herself these days and I just couldn't do that to her, she's already supporting my older sister on a fixed SSI. Which all of this could be moot considering my sister (you know, the one that my mother is supporting) has a BS degree in Counseling and hasn't been able to find a stable job since she graduated. Meanwhile, my friend's father has a few hundred thousand dollars in the bank and never stepped foot inside a college. That type of success doesn't fall into just anyone's lap though, you have to know people, come from money, or at least know what you're doing. Lets face it, everyone I know with the exception of him makes under $50,000 a year, my family was always tight on money growing up (I mean like make each other's Christmas presents, tight), and I have no clue what I'm doing (Hello, I just used an analogy with the term "shot up in the hood"). Maybe I need to see a guidance counselor or maybe just a counselor in general.

Please

This is me avoiding responsibility and possibilities
This is me crying out for help when I've given up
when I think about what I was capable of i feel weak now
Like there's no where to go but done b/c I've already been to the top and turned around
Where were you when my world stopped spinning and I didn't
I was lost in the swirls of pinks and blue and you were not among them
to stop this dizzy decline
Tell me I'm lost but you can't name the place where you stand
I want my strength, I want to reach
This is me trying and failing
This is me letting go

is anyone trustworthy?

Time

She's Hell on wheels in his passenger seat

she's his blind spot, but she's all he sees

He'll treat her right if they give him time

b/c time shows all things

Daddy's little Girl and Momma's little Lady

Only 17 years old and she's having a baby

Mixed emotions fly but she's by his side

b/c time shows all things

They don't have a dime between the two of them

He's wasting time but she still believes in him

He'll make this right if they just give him time

b/c time shows all things

1 year old today with no daddy in sight

she's walking and talking, he's changed his mind

Her face a carbon copy but her heart is not

Time shows all things

Papa's little girl and Grannie's little lady

17 years old and she's momma's sweet angel

She'll be alright b/c she's had time

And Time heals all things

Sometimes Life isn't fair...but sometimes it is absolutely perfect

So now everything makes sense. It's kind of like all of the heart break and frustrations were puzzle peices and they've all come together to make this beautiful mess. I feel like with every relationship something was missing, they never felt right but I forced them to work b/c I don't like being alone. Here I am now looking at the full picture thinking, "wow look at what they've made me". I am a confident, strong woman who knows what she wants out of a relationship. I was getting just a little bit of what i need from every boyfriend I've had in the past and not all of what I want let alone what I need. Now I have this amazing man by my side, this strong, handsome, protective, funny, sweet, man and he loves me with all of his heart. For the first time I'm not lying to myself about how well my significant other is treating me. No matter how much crap Pat put me through I always made him sound better, not only to others but myself. I'm sure some of my friends have GOT to be thinking, "I've heard this before" everytime i talk about how awesome Eugene is lol but what matters to me is I know how perfect this is.

postponing the inevitable

Lay your head on my blanket I'll tell you a tail
Rest your face near my knees
Run your hands accross my feet
I'll try not to flinch but won't help but smile
Keep my secrets love, because I can't
Every whisper will remain on my neck and every tear will remain on my shoulder
This is so long, this is goodbye, this is the once inevitable taking place
Please remind me one last time of that night on the coast
You took my hand and I took your breath away
I know you've told me a hundred times but one more time never hurt
Closing my eyes takes me there everytime
I can't help but love who we were
I hope life treats you fair and you find the girl that you can't leave
I'll find the man that won't leave me
Your potential is overwhelming, grow with it
All of the things we never will be are lost and what was has been slipped away
fairwell.

eval

I went on a date last night. Well it was kind of a date, we went to Dennys and it was late so he insisted on calling it a "predate evaluation" lol. I actually had a good time. Patrick was unfortunately in the back of my mind for most of it but those thoughts will pass. I hate how much I love him. This guy is funny and for the most part doesn't laugh at his own jokes which makes him funnier and i give my respect for that aspect of his sense of humor b/c God knows I laugh at all of my jokes :) .

Dear Marsi

I can't post comments on your blog. You're my 'Rehab' boo- I love you!

'Cause I'm just one of those ghosts traveling endlessly, don't need no roads...in fact they follow me

I relapsed and in a weird way I feel okay about it. At first I was disappointed in myself but i feel ok about it now. I was wondering if he ever even thought about me and now i know that even if it was just for a second...he thought about me. Victory is mine. Oh my gosh I've lost my damn mind. I'm certifiable. When will this ever end? Everytime I feel better I remember the man i wanted to marry. How did he give up I wonder...in the very least I wish he would teach me his ways. Don't I deserve that much? Teach me how to fall out of love with you. Tell me how to flush the last two years of my life and just start over b/c good lord, i miss you more everyday.

I've got to stop watching 'How I Met Your Mother' season 1- Lily and Marshall's break up is killing me

nothing good ever happens past 2am...just go to sleep

I log onto aim 10 times a day just expecting him to be there. I check my email just as many times expecting the number of emails in my inbox to jump from 9 to 10. I must have read the 9 emails that are in there a hundred times each already. One that he sent awhile back that was just a silly forward, another telling me how much he missed me, the next telling me how much he needs me, one from a short time later telling me he didn't know what he wanted anymore, and then of course the most recent ones banishing me from talking to him and putting more blame on me than i thought i deserved at the time they were originally sent.
I've thought about everything and then gone back and thought about it again. I've replayed every conversation, every sentence, every word. I've thought about what i could have done differently and the impact those choices would have made. I've considered what he could have done but didn't and I've justified our decisions more times than i care to admit following the consideration that they were crazy. I want the chance to fix things in our relationship. Not in our romantic relationship because at this point the pope himself couldn't convince Patrick to sit in a room with me, let alone talk things through. I want to fix things in the realtionship we built as friends, as much as it pains me to use that word. I've talked to him more in the last 2 years than anyone else and now nothing...Just silence. It's killing me.
Imagine laying your head on some ones chest and listening to their heart beat for 2 years and knowing that it was beating for you alone and then oneday without you ever moving an inch the beat just stops. You hit the chest and you climb to your knees for leverage to pound harder and nothing works. You're helpless. That is what I've felt everyday for 2 weeks now and in turn my heart is stopping and i can't say that i want it to continue if it means a lifetime of silence like this.
The words he said to me cut me like a knife and what hurts is i know i deserved them but he didn't. He said those angry hateful words to me without even realizing i deserved to hear them and then he walked away.
I need to talk this out with him and i can't. There isn't even a gaurantee that i'll ever be able to.

I'm at work but I can't clock in until 10 minutes before the first appt time...I came in 30 minutes early by mistake which really ticks me off b/c i was rushing around the house to get ready like a mad woman when I could have been sleeping. Patrick is in town but still isn't talking to me which is crazy considering he is the one that effed up, he'll never apologize and he'll never understand. Then you have Chris who is completely 100% in like with me - but I'm resistant b/c idk why he likes me as much as he does. He barely knows me and yet for some reason he thinks i hung the moon. Maybe that's been my problem in past relationships; I let them get to know me lol- then they see the crazy and turn into assholes. My birthday is in 8 days and i can't help but wonder if he'll even give it a second thought- this would be the fist birthday in 3 that i didn't have him here. Not that he ever really did anything special for me on my birthday...at all...come to think of it I don't think he's ever done anything for me on my birthday other than a card and being guilted into dinner...Why am I even upset of this douche bag (what's funny is as i write this im thinking, "What if we get back together and he reads this; he'll be so pissed off". I have a Problem.

cardiologistic

Who is wrong now
the doors are locked and the shades are down
Who will save me
The tub is full, I'm about to drown
What will get the job done
The gas leak was a nice touch but just wasn't enough
Where will I end up
If this is how it ends things are going to get rough

The last sounds I will hear are ticks, one second apart
The last thing I will see is a reflection through the dark
The water is warm against my cold arms
8 little pills have become a work of art

Goosebumps run across my knees
My eyelids lower and my heart starts to seize
water starts to slowly drip and my phone starts to ring

Who it was no longer matters
my nails are purple and my teeth chatter
I can not breath, just sleep
finally at earth's only peace

MARSI

Where did your blog go??

My head Might Explode

I thought It was over and I felt amazing. I was starting to do better and certain male pulled me right back in just to turn around and start the same stuff again. I love him and I can't handle that. I was finally feeling better. So now we're not talking until Thanksgiving; were I'm sure we'll talk everything out and he'll let me know what HE wants. I don't know what to do anymore, things use to be alot less complicated. My stress level is maxed out and I feel like I'm breaking.

You said I must eat so many lemons

It's finally completely over. It was messy, drawn out, and heart breaking. I came away, not necessarily stronger but rather, more confident. I know now, more than ever, what I want in a relationship and for once I'm not in a rush to find it. It will come in due time and it will be incredible. My dignity was not lost despite it's hanging on by a thread for three months.I'm more thankful for my friends than ever and they all deserve a pat on the back for putting up with me during this period.I have peace now and I'm okay with being alone. I just got too tired of clinging on by my finger tips to a situation that was never going to get better, my hands are sore but my heart is healing and I know now that everything is going to be okay.

the lead balloon

Remember me when you fall on your knees
when you take heart to all the words its to late to heed
try not to take it too hard when you come to the conclusion
that i was the real thing not a manchild's illusion

Remember the love i so carfully gave
and how scared i was to trust when i did anyway
read the letters that i wrote that exclaimed every sense
and spoke about the past that you fixed with your presense

Remember how i traced you with my finger tips
I memorized your arms, fingers, and lips
I promised that no matter what I would never forget
this was the truth, I never did

Remember holding me on sunday afternoons
you never had to but always left too soon
never as important as i should have been
taking for granted your piece of heaven

Remember, remember, remember though I know it's hard
heartache is never easy when the transgressor is at large
So hang your head in shame as you face your charge
I would hold your hand but i cant reach that far

Remember I still love you though it's probably moot
I'd still take your name though you'd say it's too soon
I would still forgive you, though you don't know why you're wrong
I guess waiting forever won't take too long

Yell til your lungs bleed...

I'm holding onto everything
losing grip, my hands sting
Juggling your words in my mind
Fleeting worship, you're too kind

Attempting to memorize all of the good
you left me alone, who knew you could?
tears of ice fall with pain
anger rises and sadness fades

My heart would break if I had one left
It was gone before you but I still gave my best
Now the hole where it was has sealed
Its a desolate, you should have filled

I was afraid to love another, now I'm petrified
It's the same story another day, at least you didn't lie
I've tried to trust a million ways, I shouldn't have to try
It could have, should have, would have worked if you hadn't said goodbye

"It made me wonder how many times we forgive just because we don't want to lose someone, even if they don't deserve our forgiveness."

Patrick and I "broke up" about a month and a half ago but it has felt like it never happened. We still say 'I love you' and 'I miss you baby'. We still use pet names when we talk to each other everyday, b/c oh yeah...we still talk to each other everyday. I love him, i do. Nothing is changing though. I have two options, I can be miserable for the next couple of years while he's at school, knowing we don't want the same things or i can move on. Both choices are hard and come with consequences. Alot of what has happened this year has been painful emotionally. A man I'm in love with, whom i believe does love me was capable of moving to the other side of the country and not look back once. That hurts like a stab to the heart. I know that if he had stayed things would have worked out. He says "well if we couldn't make it through something like this then it makes me wonder if we could make it through anything else.". There are people in this world that can do long distance relationships. I tried but i hate feeling abandoned and that's all i felt, constantly. My heart is consistently achy. I believe obstacle are placed in life and the paths we choose define how our life plays out. So, no we didn't survive him moving away. However, that does not mean we would not have worked out had he found a school closer to home or wanted me to be there with him. It's time for me to focus on myself and the people around me. He was by no means a waste of time. I learned alot from our relationship, we have so many awesome memories together. I can't finish this now...

assuming you're right and were meant to be
let go of her hand to better see
you're facing away with a heavy heart
I'm trying to glance your way but it's getting hard
with all her heart shes falling fast
she doesn't know you, she'll become your past
as have we all and the rest to come
you're permanently apathetic, you cant know love
do all of our hearts pile up in your mind?
each first kiss and all of the smiles
do the tears cascade and drown false hopes
while anger sinks and whispers float
She holds tight to you now, you're starting to squirm
you see me through the fog and you're starting to learn
but as every time before it won't be enough
so carve your name into another heart
Bury the hatchet for a another new start
cast a shadow on forgotten fate
to fall in love now, it's never too late.

hit me with your best shot

So here we go again, another year and the same old hopes and wishes. Right now i just want everyone to shut up for five minutes. People arguing over stupid shit. it makes me just want to yell stfu.