Dear Marsi

I can't post comments on your blog. You're my 'Rehab' boo- I love you!

'Cause I'm just one of those ghosts traveling endlessly, don't need no roads...in fact they follow me

I relapsed and in a weird way I feel okay about it. At first I was disappointed in myself but i feel ok about it now. I was wondering if he ever even thought about me and now i know that even if it was just for a second...he thought about me. Victory is mine. Oh my gosh I've lost my damn mind. I'm certifiable. When will this ever end? Everytime I feel better I remember the man i wanted to marry. How did he give up I wonder...in the very least I wish he would teach me his ways. Don't I deserve that much? Teach me how to fall out of love with you. Tell me how to flush the last two years of my life and just start over b/c good lord, i miss you more everyday.

I've got to stop watching 'How I Met Your Mother' season 1- Lily and Marshall's break up is killing me

nothing good ever happens past 2am...just go to sleep

I log onto aim 10 times a day just expecting him to be there. I check my email just as many times expecting the number of emails in my inbox to jump from 9 to 10. I must have read the 9 emails that are in there a hundred times each already. One that he sent awhile back that was just a silly forward, another telling me how much he missed me, the next telling me how much he needs me, one from a short time later telling me he didn't know what he wanted anymore, and then of course the most recent ones banishing me from talking to him and putting more blame on me than i thought i deserved at the time they were originally sent.
I've thought about everything and then gone back and thought about it again. I've replayed every conversation, every sentence, every word. I've thought about what i could have done differently and the impact those choices would have made. I've considered what he could have done but didn't and I've justified our decisions more times than i care to admit following the consideration that they were crazy. I want the chance to fix things in our relationship. Not in our romantic relationship because at this point the pope himself couldn't convince Patrick to sit in a room with me, let alone talk things through. I want to fix things in the realtionship we built as friends, as much as it pains me to use that word. I've talked to him more in the last 2 years than anyone else and now nothing...Just silence. It's killing me.
Imagine laying your head on some ones chest and listening to their heart beat for 2 years and knowing that it was beating for you alone and then oneday without you ever moving an inch the beat just stops. You hit the chest and you climb to your knees for leverage to pound harder and nothing works. You're helpless. That is what I've felt everyday for 2 weeks now and in turn my heart is stopping and i can't say that i want it to continue if it means a lifetime of silence like this.
The words he said to me cut me like a knife and what hurts is i know i deserved them but he didn't. He said those angry hateful words to me without even realizing i deserved to hear them and then he walked away.
I need to talk this out with him and i can't. There isn't even a gaurantee that i'll ever be able to.

I'm at work but I can't clock in until 10 minutes before the first appt time...I came in 30 minutes early by mistake which really ticks me off b/c i was rushing around the house to get ready like a mad woman when I could have been sleeping. Patrick is in town but still isn't talking to me which is crazy considering he is the one that effed up, he'll never apologize and he'll never understand. Then you have Chris who is completely 100% in like with me - but I'm resistant b/c idk why he likes me as much as he does. He barely knows me and yet for some reason he thinks i hung the moon. Maybe that's been my problem in past relationships; I let them get to know me lol- then they see the crazy and turn into assholes. My birthday is in 8 days and i can't help but wonder if he'll even give it a second thought- this would be the fist birthday in 3 that i didn't have him here. Not that he ever really did anything special for me on my birthday...at all...come to think of it I don't think he's ever done anything for me on my birthday other than a card and being guilted into dinner...Why am I even upset of this douche bag (what's funny is as i write this im thinking, "What if we get back together and he reads this; he'll be so pissed off". I have a Problem.

cardiologistic

Who is wrong now
the doors are locked and the shades are down
Who will save me
The tub is full, I'm about to drown
What will get the job done
The gas leak was a nice touch but just wasn't enough
Where will I end up
If this is how it ends things are going to get rough

The last sounds I will hear are ticks, one second apart
The last thing I will see is a reflection through the dark
The water is warm against my cold arms
8 little pills have become a work of art

Goosebumps run across my knees
My eyelids lower and my heart starts to seize
water starts to slowly drip and my phone starts to ring

Who it was no longer matters
my nails are purple and my teeth chatter
I can not breath, just sleep
finally at earth's only peace

MARSI

Where did your blog go??

My head Might Explode

I thought It was over and I felt amazing. I was starting to do better and certain male pulled me right back in just to turn around and start the same stuff again. I love him and I can't handle that. I was finally feeling better. So now we're not talking until Thanksgiving; were I'm sure we'll talk everything out and he'll let me know what HE wants. I don't know what to do anymore, things use to be alot less complicated. My stress level is maxed out and I feel like I'm breaking.

You said I must eat so many lemons

It's finally completely over. It was messy, drawn out, and heart breaking. I came away, not necessarily stronger but rather, more confident. I know now, more than ever, what I want in a relationship and for once I'm not in a rush to find it. It will come in due time and it will be incredible. My dignity was not lost despite it's hanging on by a thread for three months.I'm more thankful for my friends than ever and they all deserve a pat on the back for putting up with me during this period.I have peace now and I'm okay with being alone. I just got too tired of clinging on by my finger tips to a situation that was never going to get better, my hands are sore but my heart is healing and I know now that everything is going to be okay.

the lead balloon

Remember me when you fall on your knees
when you take heart to all the words its to late to heed
try not to take it too hard when you come to the conclusion
that i was the real thing not a manchild's illusion

Remember the love i so carfully gave
and how scared i was to trust when i did anyway
read the letters that i wrote that exclaimed every sense
and spoke about the past that you fixed with your presense

Remember how i traced you with my finger tips
I memorized your arms, fingers, and lips
I promised that no matter what I would never forget
this was the truth, I never did

Remember holding me on sunday afternoons
you never had to but always left too soon
never as important as i should have been
taking for granted your piece of heaven

Remember, remember, remember though I know it's hard
heartache is never easy when the transgressor is at large
So hang your head in shame as you face your charge
I would hold your hand but i cant reach that far

Remember I still love you though it's probably moot
I'd still take your name though you'd say it's too soon
I would still forgive you, though you don't know why you're wrong
I guess waiting forever won't take too long

Yell til your lungs bleed...

I'm holding onto everything
losing grip, my hands sting
Juggling your words in my mind
Fleeting worship, you're too kind

Attempting to memorize all of the good
you left me alone, who knew you could?
tears of ice fall with pain
anger rises and sadness fades

My heart would break if I had one left
It was gone before you but I still gave my best
Now the hole where it was has sealed
Its a desolate, you should have filled

I was afraid to love another, now I'm petrified
It's the same story another day, at least you didn't lie
I've tried to trust a million ways, I shouldn't have to try
It could have, should have, would have worked if you hadn't said goodbye

"It made me wonder how many times we forgive just because we don't want to lose someone, even if they don't deserve our forgiveness."

Patrick and I "broke up" about a month and a half ago but it has felt like it never happened. We still say 'I love you' and 'I miss you baby'. We still use pet names when we talk to each other everyday, b/c oh yeah...we still talk to each other everyday. I love him, i do. Nothing is changing though. I have two options, I can be miserable for the next couple of years while he's at school, knowing we don't want the same things or i can move on. Both choices are hard and come with consequences. Alot of what has happened this year has been painful emotionally. A man I'm in love with, whom i believe does love me was capable of moving to the other side of the country and not look back once. That hurts like a stab to the heart. I know that if he had stayed things would have worked out. He says "well if we couldn't make it through something like this then it makes me wonder if we could make it through anything else.". There are people in this world that can do long distance relationships. I tried but i hate feeling abandoned and that's all i felt, constantly. My heart is consistently achy. I believe obstacle are placed in life and the paths we choose define how our life plays out. So, no we didn't survive him moving away. However, that does not mean we would not have worked out had he found a school closer to home or wanted me to be there with him. It's time for me to focus on myself and the people around me. He was by no means a waste of time. I learned alot from our relationship, we have so many awesome memories together. I can't finish this now...

assuming you're right and were meant to be
let go of her hand to better see
you're facing away with a heavy heart
I'm trying to glance your way but it's getting hard
with all her heart shes falling fast
she doesn't know you, she'll become your past
as have we all and the rest to come
you're permanently apathetic, you cant know love
do all of our hearts pile up in your mind?
each first kiss and all of the smiles
do the tears cascade and drown false hopes
while anger sinks and whispers float
She holds tight to you now, you're starting to squirm
you see me through the fog and you're starting to learn
but as every time before it won't be enough
so carve your name into another heart
Bury the hatchet for a another new start
cast a shadow on forgotten fate
to fall in love now, it's never too late.

hit me with your best shot

So here we go again, another year and the same old hopes and wishes. Right now i just want everyone to shut up for five minutes. People arguing over stupid shit. it makes me just want to yell stfu.

She only smiles when she's sleeping
but she can't cry when she's awake
Her pseudo smile is fleeting
Everything about her is fake.

Her walls crumble down
Her windows shatter
Her heart hits the ground
Nothing seems to matter

No one can read her face now
Her soul is hers to know
She'll never know how
To just let him go

The world is at a stand still
She runs and then leaps
Her tears are falling slower than she is
The cliff is so steap

Death won't end her journey
Not with falling this way
downward, now faster
the ground dissipates

solutions

Maybe it doesn't have to be complicated. Flip a coin or just close your eyes and be selfish. Who is going to be there for YOU? Who do you see when the lights are out? Maybe you're already subconsciously being selfish. What if the one door you want to open back up has already shut and locked itself and the doorway you're standing in leads you somewhere that makes you happy but it doesn't lead you to your everything. If you step away this door will shut also and who's to say you'll get back into it and when you step towards the other door who's to say it will unlock and what if you lose both opportunities. So instead you provide self-insurance and remain standing, blocking the second door from shutting and leaving the first door shut and secluded. You worry about neglecting the very territory that you're simply gazing at while a whole new adventure slowly slips. The longer you wait the worse things get and slowly you don't want to choose. You want this to be over with, some one to choose for you but no one's choices make you happy now. Some one will be hurt, yes. It's part of life dear, we've all hurt. You know this all too well. This is what's stopping you then? To put onto some one what you've felt is too much. You and i both know that sooner or later that time will come so think about when it will hurt less. Now...or later? I've been some one's first door. It hurts a lot less earlier on and you'll win back the key to door two, promise. It will just take a little work which we both know you'll do regardless. Good luck my friend.

that laugh that wrinkles your nose it touches my foolish heart

Thanks again, I saw him and i know how blessed I am.

I know now where I went wrong with you. I chose you.
It's good though. You've done me the biggest favor that anyone ever could. Yes, you.
You've made me appreciate every good man I have or will ever have in my life. Oh, you've also made them easier to spot. So, they may not always say the right things. They may not always do the right things either. You always made it seem like you were saying and doing the right things though. You weren't. As for charm, it's over rated. Stability however, is not. When things get rough you lose your charm but stability was never a part of your life to begin with. So, when your charm is no where to be seen you have nothing else to show, not even sanity for that matter. Which is understandable considering your "mild" drug use . Even with all things considered I still appreciate you...maybe I'm just that crazy. You are exactly what I do not want in a relationship(of any kind), but with you I proved something to myself and you completely changed me as a human. I fell pretty hard for you even thought i knew your faults up front, I still saw the good in you. Don't be flattered please, i do this with everyone. I told you things about me, my past, my family that i had never told anyone else and i trusted you because i assumed that some one that treated themselves the way you did had been through some bad stuff. You grew up in the effing burbs...I'm so sorry about your luck.

maybe it was a premonition...

What a raging idiot! I'm sick of all of this. end.

Maybe it was empathy.

Call it sympathy
It's not about the past anymore
Maybe empathy
The barrel's loaded at your bedroom door


Excuses flow like water from your blank expression
making this right isn't an option
She's not me, I'm not bad at first impressions


I hold the floors attention
not a word is spoken now
I'm sure you had the best of intentions
but I can't imagine how


I want to hear her side of this
but I wish she wouldn't speak.
her eyes show me your last kiss
yours show me that you're weak


To resist would not have killed you
now I think I might
I've thought about losing you
but you're not worth a fight


So now I'll simply walk away
from every option I've gone over
To kill you now is a waste of time
I'd rather watch you suffer


I've left you now, she'll leave you soon, and every woman after.
You'll never know what real love is
you are your own disaster.

I chose the pain

Even Idle faith has been lost
Beneath the lies of staged love songs
Among the pain and nervousness
Lay the depth of tormenting stress

Why can’t I trust the lives of others?
It’s your fault this verdict hovers
I count the days, same date next year.
Coincidence? I think not, dear.

They may not lie but I’ll never know.
On my sleeve, my hatred shows.
Where my heart once skipped a beat,
Down my arm temptations bleed.

To do what one will soon regret.
Give in to love. No not again.
For to you I gave my all.
For the next I refuse to fall

Let them hurt it’s passed my turn
In the end there’s nothing learned
I tried to play the helpless victim to your lies
but my time with you was suicide