you again

I had a dream that you were the man in my life again. It was like I had never met Eugene. In this dream my mother lost her home (much like she did in reality a few months ago), only this time because I was still with you I was still living with her, which means I lost my home too. We(my mom and I) looked into the apartments, you know the ones that Kerri lives in. We were approved for 2 separate 1 bedroom apartments and though they weren't very nice they were very cheap. I sat in this apartment(my first home completely by myself) and felt so alone knowing that I had the "love of my life" but we hadn't talked in 2 days and I would be living alone for possibly a year before ever seeing you. Upon waking up I realized that this was my subconscious congratulating me on my stellar decisions over the last 2 years. I loved you, there will always be a part of me that does love you, with a different kind of love. The man I'm with now is marvelous and I wouldn't trade him for anything, not even to find out what things could have been like if you had chosen me over yourself. Thank you for being selfish, life for me is fabulous. Love always, his.

How high up can you be before you're low again?

I've reached a high and I'm expecting a low. Here I am, turning 23 in less than 2 months and it has taken what seems like forever for me to realize that the world is not going to slow down or stop for me to achieve my goals. Maybe it's because I've been an adult my whole life, but I am tired. I'm tired of struggling, tired of heartbreak, and most importantly tired of wasting time. I know I'm not old by any means but I feel at least 35 (which isn't old either, but when you feel 12 years older than you are there is a problem). I mentally beat myself up all the time about how unsuccessful I am (my Capricorn is showing). I started college at 16 I should have a friggin Masters degree by now. Instead, what do I have? Well, 19 college credits, a crappy job, and a gpa that makes me ineligible for financial assistance. Not that I was rolling in the money when I was in college but in a way I was. I was receiving $800 per month from the government as long as I stayed in school via survivor's benefits from my father. I dropped out of college and they dropped the funds. I can do this without too much of a struggle it's just I've always been so goal focused (ie: I have to have a goal, even if it never gets completed) that I figured by now I would have graduated from college, married, and be working on a family. It feels like I skipped step one and ran right into steps 2 & 3. Which is great! I love my husband, but he's already finished with school and has a good head on his shoulders, he wants babies and soon (as do I). I just worry b/c in the real world anything can happen. What if I get pregnant and then he goes out and gets shot up in the hood (hey it could happen, watch the news). I have no education to support our baby. Usually I would fall back on my mother (terrible I know) but she's not doing too hot herself these days and I just couldn't do that to her, she's already supporting my older sister on a fixed SSI. Which all of this could be moot considering my sister (you know, the one that my mother is supporting) has a BS degree in Counseling and hasn't been able to find a stable job since she graduated. Meanwhile, my friend's father has a few hundred thousand dollars in the bank and never stepped foot inside a college. That type of success doesn't fall into just anyone's lap though, you have to know people, come from money, or at least know what you're doing. Lets face it, everyone I know with the exception of him makes under $50,000 a year, my family was always tight on money growing up (I mean like make each other's Christmas presents, tight), and I have no clue what I'm doing (Hello, I just used an analogy with the term "shot up in the hood"). Maybe I need to see a guidance counselor or maybe just a counselor in general.

Please

This is me avoiding responsibility and possibilities
This is me crying out for help when I've given up
when I think about what I was capable of i feel weak now
Like there's no where to go but done b/c I've already been to the top and turned around
Where were you when my world stopped spinning and I didn't
I was lost in the swirls of pinks and blue and you were not among them
to stop this dizzy decline
Tell me I'm lost but you can't name the place where you stand
I want my strength, I want to reach
This is me trying and failing
This is me letting go

is anyone trustworthy?

Time

She's Hell on wheels in his passenger seat

she's his blind spot, but she's all he sees

He'll treat her right if they give him time

b/c time shows all things

Daddy's little Girl and Momma's little Lady

Only 17 years old and she's having a baby

Mixed emotions fly but she's by his side

b/c time shows all things

They don't have a dime between the two of them

He's wasting time but she still believes in him

He'll make this right if they just give him time

b/c time shows all things

1 year old today with no daddy in sight

she's walking and talking, he's changed his mind

Her face a carbon copy but her heart is not

Time shows all things

Papa's little girl and Grannie's little lady

17 years old and she's momma's sweet angel

She'll be alright b/c she's had time

And Time heals all things

Sometimes Life isn't fair...but sometimes it is absolutely perfect

So now everything makes sense. It's kind of like all of the heart break and frustrations were puzzle peices and they've all come together to make this beautiful mess. I feel like with every relationship something was missing, they never felt right but I forced them to work b/c I don't like being alone. Here I am now looking at the full picture thinking, "wow look at what they've made me". I am a confident, strong woman who knows what she wants out of a relationship. I was getting just a little bit of what i need from every boyfriend I've had in the past and not all of what I want let alone what I need. Now I have this amazing man by my side, this strong, handsome, protective, funny, sweet, man and he loves me with all of his heart. For the first time I'm not lying to myself about how well my significant other is treating me. No matter how much crap Pat put me through I always made him sound better, not only to others but myself. I'm sure some of my friends have GOT to be thinking, "I've heard this before" everytime i talk about how awesome Eugene is lol but what matters to me is I know how perfect this is.

postponing the inevitable

Lay your head on my blanket I'll tell you a tail
Rest your face near my knees
Run your hands accross my feet
I'll try not to flinch but won't help but smile
Keep my secrets love, because I can't
Every whisper will remain on my neck and every tear will remain on my shoulder
This is so long, this is goodbye, this is the once inevitable taking place
Please remind me one last time of that night on the coast
You took my hand and I took your breath away
I know you've told me a hundred times but one more time never hurt
Closing my eyes takes me there everytime
I can't help but love who we were
I hope life treats you fair and you find the girl that you can't leave
I'll find the man that won't leave me
Your potential is overwhelming, grow with it
All of the things we never will be are lost and what was has been slipped away
fairwell.

eval

I went on a date last night. Well it was kind of a date, we went to Dennys and it was late so he insisted on calling it a "predate evaluation" lol. I actually had a good time. Patrick was unfortunately in the back of my mind for most of it but those thoughts will pass. I hate how much I love him. This guy is funny and for the most part doesn't laugh at his own jokes which makes him funnier and i give my respect for that aspect of his sense of humor b/c God knows I laugh at all of my jokes :) .

Dear Marsi

I can't post comments on your blog. You're my 'Rehab' boo- I love you!

'Cause I'm just one of those ghosts traveling endlessly, don't need no roads...in fact they follow me

I relapsed and in a weird way I feel okay about it. At first I was disappointed in myself but i feel ok about it now. I was wondering if he ever even thought about me and now i know that even if it was just for a second...he thought about me. Victory is mine. Oh my gosh I've lost my damn mind. I'm certifiable. When will this ever end? Everytime I feel better I remember the man i wanted to marry. How did he give up I wonder...in the very least I wish he would teach me his ways. Don't I deserve that much? Teach me how to fall out of love with you. Tell me how to flush the last two years of my life and just start over b/c good lord, i miss you more everyday.

I've got to stop watching 'How I Met Your Mother' season 1- Lily and Marshall's break up is killing me